Andrew Abiding

A PERSONAL PURE MIND ABIDING PRACTICE REPORT

Freedom, equanimity, acceptance, and loving nonattachment

Warm heart . Open hands . Wise boundaries

Prepared for Ross’s personal daily practice

PURE MIND Abiding Here

The heart of Andrew Abiding

Andrew Abiding is a personal contemplative practice for meeting thoughts, feelings, memories, and bodily reactions concerning Andrew with greater spaciousness. Its purpose is not to force reconciliation, suppress pain, or make Ross approve of hurtful behaviour. Its purpose is to let reality be known without allowing fear, anger, resentment, longing, or the demand for change to take possession of the whole mind.

The central movement is from rigid opposition toward clear discernment: from ‘Who is right?’ toward ‘What is here, and what is the warmest, wisest, and safest response?’ This is equanimity with a heart. Love is permitted. Grief is permitted. Distance is permitted. Boundaries are permitted. No particular outcome is demanded.

What the practice means

Abiding means staying gently present long enough for an experience to be known without immediately fighting it, obeying it, or becoming identified with it. In this practice, Ross first establishes a wholesome source such as PURE MIND, Freedom, Love, Jesus, or a warm heart. The word ‘And’ then opens a non-combative relationship with the target: Andrew, fear, grief, anger, a memory, or a difficult interaction.

The practice does not say that the source and the target are morally identical. It says that both can be held in awareness at the same time. PURE MIND can be present and fear can be present. Love can be present and a boundary can be needed. Andrew can be Andrew and Ross can be Ross.

Why these phrases may help

A short phrase gives the mind a gentle structure when emotion is strong. Naming the wholesome source first may reduce the shock of turning directly toward an activating person or memory. The pause after each word slows automatic mental argument and gives the body time to register support.

Equanimity is commonly described as an even-minded relationship with pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral experience. It is not coldness or indifference. Mature equanimity includes mindful awareness and clear knowing, and it does not require passive acceptance of harassment, intimidation, or harm. Acceptance-based psychological approaches make a similar distinction: making room for inner experience can increase freedom to act according to one’s values.

The modest aim is important. Ross does not need to search for complete relief. A one-percent increase in spaciousness, warmth, dignity, or choice is enough for one practice cycle.

The Source . And . Target pattern

The left hand can represent the source: Freedom, PURE MIND, Love, Jesus, steadiness, or goodness. The heart represents ‘And’: openness, relationship, curiosity, and the willingness to let both realities be known. The right hand represents the target: Andrew, fear, anger, sadness, longing, a memory, or a needed boundary.

The hands are not weighing who is stronger or who is right. They are helping the nervous system experience a larger field in which both the wholesome source and the difficult target can be present without fusion.

The preferred opening phrase

Freedom . And . Andrew.

Freedom is positive, spacious, and embodied. It need not mean freedom from Andrew. It may mean freedom from having to change him, freedom from needing his agreement, freedom to love without controlling, freedom to keep a wise distance, freedom for Andrew to follow his path, and freedom for Ross to protect his peace and dignity.

Because Ross often benefits from establishing the wholesome source first, this order may be gentler than ‘Andrew . And . Freedom.’ The second order can be explored only when the body already feels sufficiently grounded.

Equanimity phrases

Andrew is Andrew.

Spoken warmly, this means: Andrew has his own humanity, history, suffering, choices, and path. It loosens the mental demand that he must conform to an image held by Ross. Spoken with resignation, however, it can sound final or hopeless. Adding ‘as he is today’ or ‘for now’ preserves the possibility of change.

Andrew is Andrew . As he is today.

Andrew is Andrew . Ross is Ross.

Life is life . And . I am here.

This is life . As it is today.

Life is changing . And . I can abide.

Clear seeing . Gentle heart.

Steady mind . Wise response.

Nonattachment without withdrawal

Nonattachment is not the removal of love. It is the loosening of grasping, controlling, demanding, and rehearsing. The phrase ‘Warm heart . Open hands’ holds both dimensions. The heart stays warm; the hands stop clutching the outcome.

Warm heart . Open hands.

Care . Without control.

Love . Without demand.

Nothing to force.

Let be . Let unfold.

I can care . And . remain free.

May he be well . I release the outcome.

His path . My path.

Goodness . Without grasping.

Acceptance with discernment

Acceptance means acknowledging what is present now. It does not mean liking it, agreeing with it, predicting that it will never change, or abandoning wise action. Acceptance can end the inner argument with the fact that something has already happened while leaving Ross free to choose what happens next.

This is here.

Yes . This too.

This is how it is . For now.

This belongs in awareness.

No need to argue with now.

I allow the feeling . I choose the response.

I need not like it to let it be.

Yes to reality . No to harm.

I accept what is . And . choose what is wise.

Love and wise boundaries

A warm heart does not require physical closeness, frequent contact, immediate replies, or exposure to anger. Ross may wish Andrew well while keeping a distance that supports safety and dignity. A boundary is not a punishment; it is a clear statement of what Ross will do to protect well-being.

If Andrew is shouting, threatening, intimidating, or creating fear, the practice is not to remain in the situation and endure it. The immediate practice is safety: step away, end the conversation, seek support, and return to contemplation only when the body is no longer in immediate danger.

A three-breath practice

Breath one – Freedom . And . Andrew. Let the exhalation be natural. Feel the chair, bed, or floor supporting the body.

Breath two – Andrew is Andrew . Ross is Ross. Let each person have a separate life, body, mind, history, and path.

Breath three – May Andrew be well . May Ross be free and safe. Include goodwill without making closeness or reconciliation a condition.

Then pause. Do not inspect the practice for success. Notice only whether there is a little more room around the experience.

A hand-and-heart somatic practice

Orient. Look around the room and name three neutral things you can see. Feel the support beneath the body.

Left hand – Source. Rest the left hand comfortably and silently say ‘Freedom’ or ‘PURE MIND.’ Notice any warmth, steadiness, or ease without trying to enlarge it.

Heart – And. Touch the centre of the chest if this feels comforting. Silently say ‘And.’ Let the word mean openness rather than agreement.

Right hand – Target. Rest the right hand and gently say ‘Andrew’ or name the present feeling: fear, hurt, anger, grief, or longing.

Hold the whole field. Sense left hand, heart, and right hand together. Let the body decide whether to repeat the phrase, shorten it, or stop.

Close. Say ‘Ross is here’ or ‘PURE MIND Abiding Here.’ Look around again and return to ordinary activity.

A practice ladder for different levels of activation

Light activation: ‘Freedom . And . Andrew.’ Use one to three repetitions while feeling the feet.

Moderate activation: ‘Warm heart . Wise distance.’ Add the hand-and-heart practice and remain seated or lying down.

Strong activation: Use fewer words: ‘Safe here.’ ‘Feet.’ ‘Chair.’ Orient to the room. Do not bring Andrew more vividly to mind until the body settles. Contact a trusted person or professional if support is needed.

After an interaction: ‘That happened . And . I am here now.’ Then ask, ‘What protects dignity and safety next?’

When the mind wants to argue

The mind may rehearse what Andrew should understand, what Ross should have said, or who is right. This is understandable. Rather than debating the story, Ross can recognize the process: ‘There is arguing in the mind.’ Then return to a source phrase: ‘Freedom.’ ‘PURE MIND.’ ‘Warm heart . Open hands.’

Discernment can be postponed until the body is steadier. A calm mind can still decide that a behaviour was unacceptable, that contact should be limited, or that a clear response is needed. Equanimity removes some of the inner compulsion; it does not remove judgment in the healthy sense of wise evaluation.

A seven-day gentle practice

Establish the source. Practice ‘Freedom’ or ‘PURE MIND’ without mentioning Andrew.

Add the bridge. Practice ‘Freedom . And’ and feel the heart as openness.

Add the target lightly. Practice ‘Freedom . And . Andrew’ once or twice.

Restore separateness. Practice ‘Andrew is Andrew . Ross is Ross.’

Add goodwill and safety. Practice ‘May Andrew be well . May Ross be free and safe.’

Add boundaries. Practice ‘Warm heart . Wise distance’ and name one practical boundary.

Let the body choose. Use the phrase that feels warmest and wisest. End with ‘PURE MIND Abiding Here.’

How to know the practice is helping

Helpful signs may be subtle: the jaw loosens, the breath becomes less guarded, the chest feels less compressed, the mental story slows, or Ross senses greater permission not to act immediately. The most important sign is increased choice. Ross can care without chasing, pause without freezing, and set a boundary without hatred.

If a phrase increases fear, bodily contraction, helplessness, guilt, or pressure to reconcile, shorten it or stop. Return to neutral grounding. A practice that repeatedly intensifies distress may need to be explored with a trusted therapist, spiritual director, physician, or other qualified helper.

Reflection questions

What is present in my body before I say the phrase?

Which source word feels warm and trustworthy today?

Am I using acceptance to see reality, or to silence my own needs?

What outcome am I gripping? Can my hands soften around it?

What is mine to choose, and what belongs to Andrew?

What boundary would protect love, dignity, and safety?

Is there one percent more freedom after this practice?

Closing understanding

Andrew Abiding is not a project to fix Andrew or erase Ross’s history. It is a way of returning authority to the present moment. Andrew may remain Andrew. Ross may remain Ross. Love may remain love. A boundary may remain a boundary. Within this larger field, Ross can release the demand for a particular outcome and choose the next warm, wise, and safe response.

Warm heart . Open hands . Andrew is Andrew . Ross is Ross.

PURE MIND Abiding Here.

Research notes and sources

These sources support the distinction between equanimity and indifference, and between acceptance and passivity. The practice itself is a personal contemplative adaptation and is not presented as a clinical treatment.

Equanimity: a review and proposed model: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4350240/

Bhikkhu Analayo: Relating Equanimity to Mindfulness: https://www.buddhismuskunde.uni-hamburg.de/pdf/5-personen/analayo/relatingequanimity.pdf

Mindfulness and acceptance-based approaches: review: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6565510/

Association for Contextual Behavioral Science: ACT: https://contextualscience.org/act

Gentle care note
This practice can accompany, but does not replace, medical, psychological, pastoral, legal, or emergency support. Immediate safety takes priority over contemplation.